i’m a flying supermom! a progression of overcoming #anxiety

if you know me a little, you know that I haven’t enjoyed flying in the past.  i have had bouts of MAJOR anxiety. crippling anxiety.

i overcame that this weekend.  medicated. but overcome – and working on the problem – not planning on medicating the rest of my life if I can get to the root of it.

and here is my anxiety journey to date…

i first thought i was alone.  i thought i was the only freak that couldn’t handle my emotions.  once i had the courage to start talking about things i was experiencing, i VERY soon realized i was not alone.

oh where do i begin. i was never a huge fan of flying, however in this day and age if you want to get across the country, sometimes ya gotta fly.  we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. i cried, but didn’t think much of it as i thought the emotions were just from me knowing that my parents now know that i wasn’t a virgin any more. yes, that was a true conversation between my husband and i.

it really wasn’t until after I had Lili (who is now 5) that I started feeling things that just weren’t right in my chest. in my stomach. in my brain. as i sit here typing i start to feel these emotions still. something happened when i had my babies.  something.  when Lili was about 6 months old, i had the opportunity to be in a video shoot for Artistry cosmetics.  the hitch? it was in Minneapolis, MN.  I did it.  I conquered and overcame my fears.  I flew on my own and had a blast. felt like a superstar really 🙂 You know, going to a GORGEOUS house, getting my hair, makeup, clothes all done and then the video.  super fun.  enough digression…

since then I had a couple time that we bought plane tickets and i couldn’t go. one time, the night before we were supposed to leave, i was in my bathroom balling my eyes out, shaking, out of fear I guess.  I couldn’t do it.  That weekend I had to stay with my parents because my entire world was literally spinning, head closing in and I felt as though i was going to fall off the planet.  true story…straight off the planet.  like gravity was just going to quit on me.  weird.

the other experience.  two years ago for Toy Fair in NYC, I flew with my sister and my husband. because it was a work related trip, my husband stayed with his co-worker and my sister and i stayed separate.  the first night there, I went to bed and woke up shaking so hard, freezing cold and I couldn’t control it.  I couldn’t control anything.  I attempted to wake my sister so that we could pray together.  I woke her and asked if we could pray – she thought I said “can you pray for me”.  So she said yes and rolled over and unknowingly ignored the rest of my attempts.  I called Mike about 5 times before he picked up, but I needed him. He completely didn’t understand but met me. We talked through it, prayed through it and I did better.  Goodness I don’t know what people do without God!  The only thing that got me through was putting my iPod on and listening to my christian music.

Since then, I have cried pretty much every time I have flown.  When we were heading home from San Diego, I cried. Multiple times on the way home from DC. Just paralyzed mentally.

i’m overcoming.  i’m trying new things – i’m going herbal and getting adjustments on a weekly basis from my chiropractor.  AMAZING chiropractor by the way.  if you are in MI, hit me up and I’ll get you their info. for not though, I medicated. Xanax to be exact.  And I’m ok with that.

When I sat down with my doctor, I cried.  shocker!  we talked extensively about my situation.  She prescribed me Xanax, told me I could continue with my homeopathic and chiropractic attempts.  the prescription came with 30 pills.  at the time, I didn’t think that was going to be enough LOL! Turns out I only took a couple.  Maybe it was the reassurance that I had an option. BUT I FLEW AND DIDN’T CRY!  I was so proud of my self.  I’m the flying supermom over here – at least for a few days I will be 🙂

one other thing the doctor said that stuck with me. when God gave me my children, he was lending them to me. They are really His.  I cried again – because I know it’s the truth.  Another topic for another time, but doesn’t that just make you think.  God trusted ME with these babies.  God is so good!

Is it that i am afraid of crashing and dying?  No!  That’s just it.  I know who my Maker is and I do not question when he pulls my card. What makes me the MOST sad is that I want to be there for my girls – every little experience they have, I want to be there.  Selfishly.  I want to take care of them.

And that leads to a whole other topic.  Control.  Won’t even go there.  yet…

just write.

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6 Comments

  1. YOU are not alone, whatsoever. So many people suffer from anxiety, especially anxiety that revolves around flying.

    While I’m not afraid of flying, I have everyday unexplained mild anxiety, which often alters the course of my day.

    And remember, no shame of medication. Non at all, at least from me…

  2. So proud of you for continuing to work on this and trust in God. The one time I had an anxiety attack while flying was so terrifying that it makes me even more proud of your perseverance and faith.

  3. You are AMAZING! So many people let something like that control their life. I am super proud of you for not letting your anxiety control you! I am sure that was not an easy post to write. I’ve been praying like crazy for you & will continue to do so!

  4. Ummmm… get out of my head! Seriously, I understand you entirely. I didn’t start flying until after I had kids either. I get nauseated just thinking of buying tickets or being on a runway. And I also don’t ultimately fear death. For I know my Savior knows my name. I am flying next week. First time in 8 years. I hope I don’t inadvertently grab the unsuspecting thigh of my neighbor if we hit turbulence. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone!