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It wasn’t him, but I still want him back.

It’s been about a month since my grandpa passed away. I haven’t experienced much loss in my life, but the loss I have experienced has been HUGE. My first grandpa passed away, coming up on 10 years. My other grandpa passed away May 15 of this year. This one has hit home in different ways. I have loved both of my grandpas like no other, they were both quite integral parts of me growing up. Yet, this grandpa knew ALL my children. All my children had very vivid memories with him. And THAT adds soooooo much to the hurt. IMG_6236

The days between crying are getting more and more, but when the emotions hit, they still hit hard. Just this morning in church we were worshipping and in my head I feel it was certain songs I had to hear, to remind me that he is still here in my heart.

Towards the end of his life, he most certainly wasn’t the Grandpa I have known for the 36 years I’ve been alive. Things had changed, but there were things that were there that were still him…

He called me “doll”. I’ll continue to call my girls doll as I have been doing for years. And almost every time I call them doll, it reminds me of his smiling face.

I cry because he’s gone, but the him I knew for so many years has been gone for a little bit. He had dementia, and that’s what they say was the cause of death. Who knew that dementia could cause death? Not me, and not many in my family. Sure, heart disease, sure Alzheimer’s, but dementia? That was new….I didn’t realize that horrible disease could do such a thing to such a wonderful man. IMG_5623

The last days of his life were at a great facility. I drove by there the other day for the first time since my Grandpa took his last breath there. That was hard. That brought back all the memories. Ugh.

It is what it is, and each day will get better. But, when I think about him, I’m sad. I’m sad he’s not here any more. I’m sad he won’t be able to sit in his chair at my parent’s house and smile and laugh at my girls. I’m sad that he isn’t here to call me doll. But, I’m thankful and blessed beyond belief that I had him here as long as I did…

96 is a lot of years to live.