My breastfeeding journey continues on…or does it?

All good things come to an end.  I normally never believe this to be true, until now. We control our own future by the decisions we make.  Well, normally…

As I sit her, tears stream down my face. I very well may cry myself to sleep tonight.  I never thought I would have to make a choice on this matter due to the fact that I am not able to control it.  In the past I was able to make a decision and stick to it – no matter what.  I was able to produce.  This time is different.  For some reason. Out of my hands…in His.

I have tried everything that I know of.  I am not able to produce enough breast milk to feed my baby.  There, it’s out there.  I was able to and then not.  Sweet little Preslee is 6 weeks old and I have to call it quits.  I didn’t imagine having to do this until at least 6 months.  Which is what i did previously.  I’ve tried all that I can try. But part of me wants to say, did I? I’ve dwelled on it, I’ve rejoiced over it, I’ve been saddened by it.  I’ve done what I can do, and now I have to close the book on this chapter of my life.

Since my last post, I have been breastfeeding for about a total of 30 minutes, total for both sides. Following that, if she is still fussy, I would give her 2 ounces of formula. That would normally subside her.  She would be fussy 95% of the time after the nursing session. So, I would nurse for a half an hour, then feed a bottle for a good 10-15 minutes as well.  Keep in mind I have two other little ladies that require a bit of my time.  They can only watch so much Mickey Mouse or Dora or Fresh Beat, ya know? Or is it me can only take so much?!?! :)-  I just felt so bad for “neglecting” them. I know I wasn’t really, but I felt like it.

I then decided that I should pump for a couple days to see what I was actually making – to see if all my efforts were paying off.  Much to my surprise, I was practically producing nothing:

This is what I got after pumping religiously every 2.5-3 hours.  Barely anything.  I can’t help but think about how I must have been starving her 🙁

And this was a portion of what I pumped earlier today:

I can’t help but think it is something I did.  I give myself a very hard time on the choices I may have made.  What did I do wrong to make the milk stop?Why couldn’t I just eat/drink a little more?  I missed a Fenugreek pill, what was I thinking? And on, and on, and on.  Even though I did all that I could physically do in my situation, I still doubt myself.  Thinking I could do more…

I also can’t help but think about the people who may judge me.  And to those that do, screw you.  🙂  In love…  If you judge anyone, shame on you.  You don’t know the full story, and that is wrong.  Just wrong. But still, with that mindset, in the back of my mind I know people will judge me.  But, I have to do what is best for me and my house.  The rig-a-maroll that I was putting my family through was not fair.

No one can tell me or doubt the love I have for Preslee.  And whether I breast or bottle feed her, doesn’t determine that factor.

The matter of quitting was resounding in my head for a couple weeks now, but more apparent this past week. I’ve been dwelling on it for so long now.  I just want to know where to go from here. What to do.

I also wonder if what made this decision hard for me was the closing of a wonderful, hard, long, short, exhilarating, exhausting chapter in my life. Preslee is our last little bundle of joy. She will and always will be the baby of the family.  I can see it already – the love her sisters have for her could fill my entire house and overflow.  I constantly hear Lili saying under her breath to Preslee, I love you so much.  I’m so glad God gave us you.  I’m so happy you are my baby sister.  Adalynn can’t say all that just yet, all she does is scream at the top of her lungs out of excitement EVERY time I get Preslee of out bed. She then continues to scream and talk to her the best she can.  I know exactly what she is saying as well as the love she has for her too.  I would venture to guess little Preslee may be loved more than anyone I know 🙂

Another twitter friend/blogging friend of a friend talked on this subject.  Bravo to her.  She is an amazing woman as well.  You can read it HERE.  I suggest doing that.  Thank you Emily for having me read this again.  I skimmed it once before, but now the timing was just right.  And thank you Kate for the support as well today…as well as a thank you to Jessica for talking at other times 🙂  I love you girls 🙂  Thanks as well to all my “real-life” friends too who I can see and touch…not just talk to on the computer.

So for now, onto the next chapter.  Tomorrow when I wake I will not pump, I will not worry constantly about drinking enough water or eating enough food, or taking my silly little Fenugreek pills. I will go about my day, loving my girls more than anyone can ever imagine. I will take that time and read a book, or just sit and color. I can’t get the words out of my head to express the love I have for them.  Just because I can’t breastfeed doesn’t mean I don’t love Preslee as much as my other beautiful daughters.  It’s a simple choice, one that is best for our family.  My sweet husband has been SOOOO patient with me throughout this whole ordeal.  You men can’t understand the emotional attachment we have to be able to produce food for our kids…or the chapter this is in our life or….  Just support us and help us as much as you can.  And my Mike has done just that…being the amazing husband that I need…that completes me.  That makes our family unit perfect for us. 🙂

God bless you all who have breastfeeding challenges and have rocked them out!  You deserve an award.  And to all you hot mommas out there who have no clue what we are talking about (those of us who don’t create tons and tons of milk), you go ahead and rock it out too!  You deserve it!  Rock those boobies out for us that can’t!